Last night, I attended a dinner and book discussion with the author event. The book was Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by author Ayelet Waldman. I won the dinner and book a few months ago at a fundraiser.
When I finally got around to reading the book for last night's discussion, I was convinced I would hate it. The title sounded absolutely tragic, and I had enough tragic drama going on in my life, thank you very much. However, I decided to stop whining and just read.
No doubt about it, the book has a tragic backdrop (the main character's baby dies of SIDS) and a sticky backstory (she's a "home wrecker"-- he, her bashert, left his wife to marry her), but the main character was somebody I identified with at several stages in my life. You know those unfair life stages: death, divorce, unrequited love, miscarriages, etc. The character was pathetic, self-loathing, bitter, and miserable. She gains weight and is completely self-absorbed, but she kept going, kept living. I read the book and wept.
In the end, love conquers all. As it should...but so often doesn't. And I decoded the title: Love is an impossible pursuit, because it isn't one.
Anyway, about last night...
It was an informal gathering of women, mostly mothers, at a lovely home in my old neighborhood. We ate a delicious and seasonal three course meal in the living room as the women, discussed mother stuff (jealous!) and the book.
We also discussed Ayelet's recent controversy. She wrote in an essay, which got coverage in the New York Times, that the husband/wife relationship is the core of the family. The children are peripheral to it. So, hierarchically, the parents should value their relationship with each other over that of their children.
Bluntly: put your spouse first. Children, second.
Ayelet feels this is the reason why she and her husband are genuinely happy in their marriage (and why they have a healthy sex life, too. You go, girl!) She also believes that this is healthier for the children.
Doesn't that sound nice? Being married to somebody that puts you first, above all, even before The Children?
Apparently not everybody feels the same, and it created quite the controversy. From what I gathered from last night's discussion, she has been pigeoned-holed as A Bad Mother, even on the Oprah Show. It enraged many, many people, and they wrote letters and emails expressing their rage.
As Ayelet told us about her experience being the villain, it again became obvious to me that there are a hell of a lot of unhappy people in this world. The lesser of us resort to rage when something simply challenges the ideals that may in fact be the cause of their misery.
I wonder why this is? But, perhaps, that's another impossible pursuit.
2 comments:
I'm very familiar with this debate. It often comes up among Moms, especially moms with younger kids. (I doubt that men ever discuss the topic.) I'm not sure why it has to be an either/or proposition. Seems to me that part of life is learning how to strike the appropriate balance between all the competing parts of our lives -- jobs, partners, kids, friends, personal pursuits, whatever.
On the other hand, I know of a lot of marriages that have suffered because the couple overfocused on the kids . . . to the point where they never spent time alone with each other and even stopped having a sex life. Yet, I don't know of any families where the kids have suffered in any way because their parents overfocused on their marriage. Just something to consider.
It makes sense to me that younger moms would discuss this issue, because younger children (I would imagine) consume more time and energy.
This is subject is so fascinating to me. I wonder if there have been any studies done.
I do think that it's near impossible for children to be happy if their parents are unhappy.
What makes parents happy? Sex! It's a sign of happiness and it promotes happiness.
Here's to happiness! (and sex!)
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