I'm writing this down. I have a feeling that this feeling isn't permanent, like all things in life, and that I'll want to come back and read this.
My life is uncertain. Then again, all of our lives are. I don't know what's going to happen ultimately with my business, relationships, children, even whether or not I'll be selected for that NY show that's coming up.
I have every right to be a complete wreck right now. But I'm not.
I feel at peace. So calm. It's almost eerie.
Why? The best answer I can come up with is that I know what I want in life. It's not tied to any particular person, or even an event. I want to be happy. I am "happy." I'm taking care of myself. Not relying on others to fill those scary voids within me.
Isn't "happy" a funny word? It's the most misused word out there. I don't think people want to be "happy" as I so often hear. Rather, I think they want what I'm feeling today. Peace. Calm. Acceptance. (Not resignation!)
"Happy" is an easier word to use, perhaps. It denotes a cheerful disposition, quick to laughter, a lightness about life. "Happy," like beauty, is only skin deep. Can you be "happy" when you find out your lover has been unfaithful? What about when you see a sad lonely man yelling at his teen? When you get into a fender bender at the traffic light? When the IRS picks you for an audit?
Can "happy" get you through?
I don't think so.
But having the understanding that life is temporary, changing, at times chaotic, and knowing that you do have the capacity to deal and handle and, at the very least and ironically, most importantly, be present to what's unfolding-- That's the stuff that gets you through and moves you.
8 comments:
I want to add that, perhaps, I feel so OK, because of all of my wonderful readers who leave loving, funny, sarcastic, and fun comments!
Thank you, everybody!
Ooh, sarcastic, I can do that.
Though today I just want to say well said, and to let you know that I'm aware that I'm still working towards this "happy" you speak of. I'm not the most self-confident person in the world.
Maybe you're happy because you're a frappacino. I'm a decaf no-fat soy latte.
I was going to get all existential, but after Moral Turpitude's comment, I'm not sure what's left to say.
strangely-fitting word verification:
xbeom: (ex-be-ohm) Formerly, I merely existed, but now I am one with the universe.
Sleep Goblin-- You're not self-confident? Good God? Why not? You rock!
MT-- Ewww.
Mike-- Poor Mike. :(
OM--Clearly. I mean, just look at your initials.
Happy is good. However, it is a by-product. You get Happy when you are doing meaningful things in a way that makes you proud of yourself. And to do that you've got to understand yourself, have a few priorities, and get moving. You can't get happy by thinking it is the primary target.
I think hope is what gets us through when everything else has turned to dirt.
JR, so glad to read this post. And yes, you will need to revisit it at times. I needed to read it today for some stuff going on in my life, so thanks. And I agree, being present is much more important than happiness, which is a by-product as SP says. And Moral, you kill me. Jocelyn, no added wisdom??
Sultry-- nice thoughts.
Willie-- : )
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